A Christian Viewpoint

originally published … April 21st, 2007

I remember a time about 20 years ago. I was struggling with my walk with God.

I was in prayer one day and heard my cat crying. I ran to the back door and found that Simon, our gray short hair, was on the neighbour’s fence. It was one of those steel frost wire fences. Now here was my cat going along the steel piping crying out. He would continue to cry until he got to the end of the fence. Try to get down but wobbled. Then would proceed to the other end of the fence. Tried again to jump down, wobbled, and went back to the other end. Crying all the time.

I thought, “silly cat, just drop down, it’s only a few feet, you have jumped that a thousand times.”

Finally I just shook my head, went into the yard and picked the cat off the fence and placed him down on the ground. I chuckled as it scampered away.

Just then I got that knowledgeable impression that God was chuckling as well. Not at the cat but at me. He showed me that I was afraid to jump down into “the things of the Spirit” because I was on my own fence. Every time I tried to jump down I wobbled and would go back to other extreme end crying out to God for help.

He told me to stop wobbling on the fence and make the commitment. That time I did but it is funny to note that he also picked me up and put me on the ground at other times.

So every time I get afraid to make the next move I try to think of my cat on the fence and jump.

Once a month for the last two years our church, Crossfire Assembly, has held a supper and story time. After a meal a member or a couple from the church would tell their story. Last night Linda and I were the guest speakers.

I began with my conception and birth. I then handed the microphone to Linda. (I’ll let Linda write about what she spoke in her blog.) When she told a bit of her story she passed the microphone back to me and we traded it back and forth. I would like to thank pastor Roy Pierce for giving us an additional 25 minutes. That enabled us to give a little better telling of the story.

The theme I spoke on was vows spoken when being hurt. This hurting was usually in the form of punishment at the hands of my parents. Very early in my life I vowed not to be forced to show affection. I vowed never to be free with my affection. I vowed always to tell the truth no matter who got hurt. Speaking these vows during times of physical punishment and emotional turmoil put me on a path of separation from people. I spent long periods of time in self imposed isolation.

Eventually, instead of being a victim of circumstance I began a life of self-victimization. The results where drug and alcohol abuse, risky sex because it was dangerous, cutting, and attempted suicides. At the rate of self-destruction I didn’t think I had long to live.

My story then jumped to my rediscovery of God. This time instead of religion I had a more personal encounter. To make a long story short, I have been walking with him for more than 25 years since that time. The road has been rough and there were challenges that broke me at times. Yet, the Lord was faithful and in time would draw me back to him.

What I learned was that the vows that I spoke as a child, teen, adult and husband bound my spirit and stopped me from growing in the character of God. I was still a baby, a child or teen in respects to my maturity. When God began to remind me of the vows I had forgotten, we began to tear down those mental and spiritual strongholds. That didn’t mean that I matured overnight, far from it, but it did free me up to begin to grow-up mentally and spiritually. It has been, and in some respects still is, a long process. Yet I appreciate what God has and is doing for me.

It was a good night and I thank Crossfire for the opportunity to share my story. I hope that my story was a help to those who heard it… by opening a door of understanding into the destructive nature of vows… and hope that God could help them as well.

God bless.

I use to drink coffee. I thought it helped me when I was up late on the computer. But boy, when the caffeine high wears off it was a lot like being gassed at the dentist. (does any dentist use gas anymore or am I just dating myself?) I would be typing away and then I would drift off. My face resting on the keyboard. Out like a light. I would come to and find that my face had letters imprinted on it from the raised lettering of the keyboard. Funny thing though, sometimes what was imprinted on the face made more sense then what I wrote just before passing out.

I grew up climbimg the escarpment to try and overcome my fear of heights… didn’t work. As soon as I got to the top and looked over, wham. The reason for the fear? As I look over the edge I lose all sense of balance. Vertigo? Who knows.

Then I found myself in Alberta at the tar sands. Big construction projects. I was a labourer for a brick laying firm. Made $800 to $1000 a week. Not bad for 1976.

Where did this job take me? Sometimes up to 40 feet in the air, on a windy day, pushing a wheelbarrow full of wet mortar along a 10″ wide board. I guess the greater the reward the greater the bravery. Kind of explains all the “survivor” shows on TV.

These days I am not getting paid for climbing. Guess what? Yep, standing on chair to change a light bulb is a harrowing experience. Thank God they came out with the super lasting light-bulbs.

Ever go to someone’s house just to sit in the hallway? You hang up your coat. You kick off your shoes to get comfortable. Then you sit in the chair by the door. Sadly, everyone else is sitting in the living room with the host.

Doesn’t make much sense does it. Yet, that is what I have been doing at church. I am speaking of the spiritual house not the physical structure. You can be in the building but not “in” God’s house.

When I first started coming to Crossfire I was sitting in the “hallway”. A little over a year ago I was standing in the doorway to the “living room”. All the while the Spirit kept inviting me to enter in deeper. Recently I have taken a step into the living room. I have little chats with the host and He with me. Someday I hope to sit down with everyone else and simply listen to the host as He pours out a spiritual drink from the cup of life.

I started coming to Crossfire like an abused dog lying down and keeping its distance. Now I wag my tail on occasion as the master pets me. Better things are ahead.

🙂

In the stillness after the storm.

There have been times, in the past, when so many things would be going wrong. No matter how hard I tried things kept pilling up. I was like a small boat being blown about wildly by the tempest that was my life. Attempts at prayer, like working a rudder to at least go in the right direction, were futile. I was bowed and beaten. I looked to heaven and screamed. My thoughts were placed on my tongue and I vented my rage toward God. Minute by minute strecthing into hours. Tears flowed as my spirit emptied and my soul twisted in the wind. Finally, too tired to continue, I lay broken on the floor. No more tears, no more thoughts…

In the quiet time that followed the Lord met me. As a mother gently strokes her little child when ill and calmy, gently, whispers compassion and love… so the Spirit did with me. Slowly I responded to His care. That flicker of hope, once extinguished, came back to life. He actually was there when I was in turmoil but I only heard him when I was silent. He did not judge me for my many words. He simply loved me back to life… in the stillness after the storm.

:confused: :crazy: 😥 🙂

Ah, getting your teeth cleaned. You lay in the chair, arms on the arm rests, hands hanging limply over the ends. Calm, relaxed, this time it is going to be different. She starts up the cleaning device and places it against the first tooth. Body tenses as I vibrate out of the chair onto the floor.

Oh sorry, she says, I didn’t see the note saying don’t use the cleaning machine. She takes out the cleaning pick as I climb back into the chair.

Calm but not quite relaxed I sit while she flicks and scraps at some offending piece of plaque. With each flick a facial twitch. I can only hope that the twitch doesn’t become permanent.

Sssccraape, and I see an explosion of colours behind my closed eyelids. Ah, she says, we will have to let the dentist check that spot. I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye.

In time she finishes the ordeal and I feel as though I ran a marathon. I am sure I lost five pounds sitting in the chair.

She smiles and says “see you again in four months”. I shudder… then smile… and I leave, knowing the joy of dental health care.

:rolleyes:

Eleven days ago my mother had a stroke that sent her to the hospital. She was in a coma that she never awoke. This afternoon she passed away. She is with my father singing praises to my Father. I will miss my Thursday afternoon visits. Yet I am also contented to know is she is a far better place. Someday I will join her and my dad on the other side of the river. Until then I will remember…
🙁