Archive for the ‘Stories’ Category

Depression = Inertia

Friday, December 10th, 2010

Life is like physics!

My body at rest…

tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an equal and opposite force. My God (who is greater than my circumstance) and my wife (who is greater than me) 🙂

My body in motion…

tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an equal and opposite force. Satan (who is not that great) and my life circumstance (which is too often grating) 🙁

Need more 🙂 and less 🙁

Remember this Chicken?

Monday, January 18th, 2010

White Leghorn

So the old man was walking along the sidewalk and saw a chicken on a stoop.

“My, what a beautiful bird you are. What are you called?”

“Why I am a White Leghorn” the bird said proudly. “What are you called?”

“Mr. Red Flower”, he said.

When the chicken heard this it made a mad dash past him. “Out of my way” it clucked with a ferocity not commonly known among chickens. A desperate need drove the white foul feathered fowl to disregard safety and its own personal dignity. It lowered its head to shoulder level and with neck stretched out to make a not so sleek profile, prepared to flee. With a steady gaze, not looking to the left or the right, the bird ran into the road and legs quickly pumping to an rock ‘n roll beat, made its way across the road. An approaching car slammed on its brakes narrowly avoiding this tufted bird. It quickly continued on its way and jumped onto the sidewalk and dashed between two houses closely spaced together. Cautiously, the chicken poked his head out. One well rounded eye, gold rimmed and coldly peering, looked at the man across the road. Ah the poor little thing was quaking as it struggled for its breath.

The man, puzzled, crossed the road and asked what was wrong. The chicken drew its head, beak and all, back out of sight. The man called quietly to the chicken. The bird would not reveal himself. Again the man spoke but this time cooed like a pigeon. “Cooooo… why are you so afraid?”

Tentatively the chicken poked its beak out and said “I am afraid of you.”

“Why” the man asked?

“You want to kill and eat me.”

“Nonsense” said the man, “why would you think that?”

“You hunt birds for a living” said the chicken.

The man laughed at the poor bird… “I said my name is Flower not Fowler.”

So now you know why the chicken crossed the road… it had dyslexic hearing.

Burger King & Trek Lore

Saturday, May 9th, 2009

There is a new Star Trek movie about to be released. Burger King wanted to get in on the occasion by providing glasses for their soft drinks with the images of the new characters that were created. I would expect to see that kind of commercialism. Yet I do have a bone to pick with Burger King. They don’t know their Star Trek trivia!

Have you seen the latest series of commercials. A guy is walking along when all of a sudden there is a twinkling of a bright white light. Then there, before him, stands a Klingon… oops… I mean a Kingon. Yep the Burger “King” is dressed as a Klingon, roaming the streets of Canada, confiscating Whoppers. He is flanked by two buxom Klingon, oops, Kingon females. I like the commercial. Yet I have a gripe.

OK, here goes… anyone who knows anything about Star Trek knows that whenever someone is transported using Klingon equipment, from one place to the other, the viewer sees red flashes of light. Not white, blue or green but red is the colour theme associated with Klingons. What really mystifies me is that Burger King really promotes the idea of their “flame” broiled burgers. I think red would have been much more appropriate. How can you honour Star Trek and get this wrong. A faux pas, non?

So, I go to the Burger King web site to send them an email. Rats, you can call them or write them using snail mail. Right now the offices are closed. And the idea of spending 42 cents on a stamp and more for stationary? I’m peeved not irate. I’ll save the money and hope they read this blog. Yea, I know, fat chance of that happening.

Oh well… there is my micro tantrum for the week. 😉

The Store

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

There was never any guess what was supposed to happen when I left the store. It was well planned out long before this moment. Yet, the execution was off. That is why the man standing behind me got the bullet that was meant for me. Just one more instance of a person being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The second shot was not planned. I could hear the sonic boom of the round missing my head by inches. This round too found an unplanned for target. The mannequin in the store window had its head explode into a cloud of dust. My pulse rate climbed with each shot. Sweat began to cloud my vision as the stinging liquid found my eyes. A quick and fevered look to find the person who is so intent on ending my life. Most people were scattering in every direction. Some fell to the ground where they stood too frightened to move. Out of the corner of my eye I see an arm rising toward me and I throw myself to the left in a roll and jumped back into the store. The next round passed through the space I just vacated. I try hiding behind a chair. Another round slams into the chair that I am hiding behind. It rips through the fabric. Tiny specs of molten polyester sting my cheeks and eyes, the round passing that close to my face. I crawl along the floor looking for a better place to hide. A quick look reveals that my antagonist is angry, frustrated and marching toward me. He ejects the clip from his firearm and slams a new magazine into the handle. He actions the slide and a new round chambers. A new attack as he rushes forward. Half standing half crawling I move toward the exit. I hit the door running. I slam into the door but it does not give. Someone has the door locked against fire code rules. I turn to see a man standing in the doorway of the store. He begins to walk closer to me. His arm begins to rise. I see the nickel plated gun in his hand. I can’t run left or right. I am trapped by this madman. Ten feet from me. His mouth begins to form a smile. He slows. The gun is now pressed to my forehead. I look into his eyes. Mere slits show only the black of his pupils. “Why” I stammer. He smiles broadly. “Asshole” he whispers. I don’t hear the click of the hammer. Nor do I hear the roar or see the flash. I am dead before I hit the floor. My brain matter splattered against the unyielding exit. Above my body I float waiting for… what? My next incarnation of life? A band of angels coming to get me? Perhaps a light at the end of the tunnel? I don’t know. All I can think of is, “what did my twin brother do now?”